CLEVER journalists around the world are today drafting their obituaries for Prince Philip in a bid to give themselves the morning off when the ailing, aging royal passes away, but they have nothing on Waterford writer Mike Phillips, who has had his ‘locked and loaded’ since the prince crashed his car in 2019.
“When he pranged his Land Rover while driving around at the age of 97, I went ahead and wrote it up thinking ‘I’m bound to need this in the next few weeks’. But now, two years later, it’s still there in drafts” said Waterford Gazette scribe Phillips, while hitting refresh on his browser to see if the currently-hospitalised Philip was still among us.
“All I have to do is fill in the date and time and where it happened – I’ve left all of those blank for now. Once I get them, I’ll update the article in 20 seconds and boom; see you all on the golf course lads!”.
Although Phillips will welcome his morning off whenever it comes, the 36-year-old remains incredulous that he hasn’t already been able to ‘cash in’.
“Honestly, you wouldn’t believe the amount of times I’ve booked myself a three day weekend because I was certain he wasn’t going to see another morning” said Phillips, while double-checking his spelling in the Gazette’s upcoming 24-page Prince Philip: A Life And A Half pull-out special.
“In fact if he pulls through this time, then forget it. I’m no conspiracy theorist but there’s no way someone who looks like that could possibly be alive because of ‘a healthy lifestyle’. He is absolutely eating baby spleens or something”.
Phillips also admitted he lives in fear that the Queen will die first, as that would require pretty much an entire rewrite.