Johnson & Johnson Vaccine Passes Critical ‘No More Tears’ Testing Phase


AIMING to fill in the gap left by AstraZeneca, Johnson & Johnson’s Covid-19 vaccine is one step closer to worldwide approval after passing the tricky ‘no more tears’ testing phase.

Administering the jab to test patients has delivered a 100% tearless success rate even among those with fear of needles as well as massive wimps.

The ‘no more tears’ phase of testing saw volunteers shown a range of heartwarming and heart wrenching videos to test the jab’s efficacy when it came to not just Covid-19 but also a painless administration of the needles itself.

“We had them watching compilations of puppies, when Rose let go of Jack in Titanic, footage of a hungover man dropping a pizza on the floor; no matter how harrowing or moving the footage, our test subjects didn’t cry,” explained a Johnson & Johnson vaccine technician.

“There was this one guy who kept crying and we feared he’d be the one to stop us passing this testing phase but then I realised I was stood on his toe when giving him the jab. Also me ominously whispering ‘shush, no more tears now’ probably didn’t help either” added the technician.

The Johnson & Johnson vaccine differs from the Pfizer jab which requires freezing storage, and can be administered while in the shower or bath with or without your eyes closed.

An earlier phase in trial saw the company abandon the practice of first covering participants in Johnson & Johnson baby oil.

“Couldn’t get the slippery fuckers to sit still,” confirmed one technician.