How Ireland’s Mandatory Quarantine For Travellers Will Work


RESPONDING to increased calls for a mandatory quarantine for travellers from abroad, the government finally confirmed it will quickly set about devising a system that will leave out all the sensible suggestions by experts in favour of committing to a half-assed approach that will achieve little in the fight against Covid-19.

Here’s how Ireland’s 14-day quarantine for travellers will work:

Those traveling into ports will be required to pinky promise that they will quarantine before boarding planes. Travellers are not required to wash their hands before pinky promising with custom officials.

To catch out all returning holiday makers from Lanzarote, everyone must provide a negative tan test upon entering the country.

Anyone arriving from Brazil or South Africa will be subject to mandatory quarantine at a designated facility. When asked to clarify this, a government spokesperson confirmed ‘you know yourself, if you don’t want to though, it’d be unfair to make ya do it’.

Security at these facilities will be provided by blind pacifist monks who have forgotten to charge the batteries on their hearing aids.

It is expected media stories such as ‘security partied with quarantining guests in hotel bar til 3am’ and ‘government agrees to pay hotel €40 million for one room for one night as part of quarantine’ to go viral in the coming weeks.

“Sadly we only have a limited number of rooms,” explained the Taoiseach, despite Dublin turning into one giant hotel in the last decade.

Where there is no room in hotels, people will be sent to the safest known Covid-free environment on planet earth – Irish schools.

The government has ordered that all entry doors to the country be fitted with swinging hinges in the coming weeks after reports that thousands of horses have bolted from stables.

Everyone else entering the country will be required by law to quarantine at home. For those unfamiliar with what a ‘home’ is, it is a living space in which people travelling home from abroad will absolutely seal themselves away in a room without interacting with family even when they possess a negative PCR test.

Each ‘home quarantine’ will be monitored by a local self-appointed curtain twitching neighbour who will report directly to a government answering machine no one will check the messages on.

The government confirmed anyone returning from a non-essential trip will be branded with a ‘B’ for blame on their forehead, and that they would be delighted if the public remained distracted from government failings in favour of this scape-goating.

Meals provided to people quarantining in hotels will be much nicer than the shit served in Direct Provision centres as the government confirmed ‘come on, we’re not monsters’.