Revealed: All Of Biden’s Executive Orders


NEWLY installed US president Joe Biden wasted no time in reversing some of the previous administrations’ policies by issuing no fewer than 17 executive orders last night.

Doling out executive orders like they were 2 for 1 shots in a nightclub in the Midlands, here’s a quick summary of the massive administrative action:

In a move likened to the time Robbie Williams rejoined Take That for a few concerts, Biden has signed America back up the Paris Climate Deal.

He signed an order redesignating some animals once on the endangered species list, meaning the large gold bird attacking Lady Gaga during her warbling at yesterday’s inauguration has already been shot dead.

A federal mask mandate meaning anyone on federal property is required to wear one. However, Biden stressed this is America and the government would not infringe on the rights of any American who wants to patriotically catch Covid at a wet t-shirt contest at a gun show and subsequently die.

Rolling back on discrimination against transgender people in the military, under a Biden administration the military has never been more open and accepting of transgender military personnel being the ones to drop a drone strike on a wedding in Afghanistan. Progress.

In a nod to his Irish heritage Biden has overturned the result of 2020 GAA SFC, handing Sam Maguire to Mayo.

The ‘kids in cages’ thing is probably here to stay for awhile.

While not naming his predecessor directly Biden has continued Just For Men shade 127; Flowing Urine.

In an indication he is open to reestablishing the Iran Nuclear Deal Biden signed an order unkilling Iranian general Qasem Soleimani, Weekend At Bernies style.

Legally mandated nap time for American presidents has been introduced for 11am, 3pm, and 7pm.

In an executive order ending an oppressive policy against women, Biden has once again made it legal for female political figures to wear non-monochrome outfits at inaugurations.

Signed an order demanding those damn kids to stop playing that rock music so darn loud.

The ending of the Muslim-focused travel ban, paving the way for the CIA and military having to work harder to indiscriminately target Muslims abroad.

Takes all your guns; it was a trap all along!