Fear Snakes May Return After 2nd Patrick’s Day Cancellation


WITH the country set to miss out on its second St. Patrick’s Day festival in a row thanks to the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, experts are warning that a reptilian army of snakes may be mobilising on the shores of Wales, waiting on their chance to retake the island of Ireland once again.

“St. Patrick chased them away, and the subsequent centuries of celebrations have kept them away” said a Dublin based snakeyobotomist today, at a special meeting of a hastily-convened Anti-Snake Government Taskforce (ASGT).

“We didn’t have a parade last year, we’re not having one this year, and going by the government’s success with the virus so far, we’re looking dodgy up to 2023. That’s a long time for snakes to get sneaky”.

While some experts agree that a lack of St. Patrick iconography might embolden snakes to attempt a return, others have suggested that it was the intense alcoholic consumption during Paddy’s day that kept the slippery lads away.

“And that too is at risk now the pubs are shut” warned a pintologist, causing murmurs among the crowd.

“Our best bet now is to drink as much alcohol as possible, vomit some on the ground, urinate in as many places as possible, just soak the earth with revelry and let it fester. That’s what keeps the snakes away, not some mythical banishment by a Welshman”.

As a furore erupted at the meeting of the ASGT, everyone failed to notice one man in the back wearing a trench coat and fedora, moving in an unsettling, almost serpentine manner, not yelling, not shouting, just watching, and taking notes.