Acting Like It’s March 2020: A Guide

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DEPUTY chief medical officer Dr Ronan Glynn has issued a stark warning that we need to ‘start acting like it’s March 2020 again’ if we want to reverse the troubling course of Covid-19, amid soaring case numbers but how can we do that?

With the last 10 months seeming like a thousand years to most, it can be hard to remember how we acted when we first learned of the consequences of the pandemic, so here’s a quick guide to bring you backup to speed:

In the early days of Covid, confusion and mixed messaging were almost as rife in our communities as the disease itself. In a bid to return to those days, the government has stepped up their program of telling everyone how to be safe while issuing guidelines that don’t seem to match up to those words, and have bolstered this with a fresh new range of diversions that will keep the focus off their shortcomings for another month or two.

In the community, you can play your part in this phase by disputing every guideline you’re given, while stating loudly that you’ve ‘done your research’ and that it’s ‘all a hoax’.

As Christmas rolled in and restrictions around shopping and home visits took the centre stage, many of us may have forgotten to blame foreigners lately.

With a return to a ‘March 2020’ mentality on the cards, be sure to focus on the migrant workforce, thus invoking the spirit of the Bulgarian fruit pickers drive from last year. 

Anti-Chinese sentiment will work wonders here, and you can even add in some bitterness about how the Chinese ‘have it all under control now’, without addressing anything they did to achieve that; a simple ‘they gave us all coronavirus and now they’re grand, the fuckers’ will provide you with the hate that will carry you on for another week or two.

After the initial scrum in March 2020, many of us saw the foolish side of panic buying and it died out as the summer rolled on. Well, time to roll back the clock and head to your nearest supermarket to elbow an old woman out of the way to get the last 40 packs of toilet rolls before someone beats you to it.

Sure, there wasn’t a shortage of anything last year, but there definitely will be this year, we saw it on a WhatsApp group that the army are being deployed to Tesco on Thursday, there won’t be an egg left in the country!

Now is the time to really commit to doing new things during lockdown, such as learn the guitar or try and guess what movie quote the Tánaiste is going to squeeze into a speech about dead grandparents this time around. For anyone going down the hobbies and skills route, you can just try and do whatever it is you gave up on after a fortnight last year, nobody remembers.

If you can work from home, please do, although you must also follow the template set down from last year- namely, spending the whole day in your pants watching Tiger King, before showing up with a forced smile for a Zoom quiz every Friday.

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