Celebrities Share Their New Year’s Resolutions

A NEW year, a fresh start. The world’s leading figures in entertainment and beyond share their resolutions for what we all hope is a promising year ahead:

“Look around you, I’ve already done it sheeple” – Bill Gates.

“This year I want to do things I was always afraid to try before; fart more in crowded lifts. Obviously only when it’s safe to do so again” – Beyoncé.

“Spend more time with the kids whose existence I have publicly acknowledged, and lose a few pounds, economically speaking” – Boris Johnson.

“It’s time to expand my online presence, I’m like a shark; if I stop moving I die which is why I’m setting up a Myspace page” – Kim Kardashian.

“Look up the words ‘speech’ and ‘charisma’ in the dictionary” – Stephen Cluxton.

“I’d like to star in a movie that is neither fast nor furious, and involves not saying the word ‘Groot'” – Vin Diesel.

“Finally get to the bottom of whether it’s pronounced Dorset Street or Dorset Street” – Adele.

“Last year was just so dreadful, I barely got to go out. This year, I won’t take eating out for granting, such a simple thing but I’ll be heading to my favourite Pizza Express branch more often” – Prince Andrew.

“Writing more songs about water abundant pussies” – Cardi B.

“Make videos, lol” – 9-year-old who made €25 million in 2020 from their YouTube videos.

“I ain’t aiming higher than staying alive, pal” – Joe Biden.

“I want to play football somewhere I am wanted, but first I must commit a crime so dastardly that I break into the FBI’s most wanted list” – Lionel Messi.

“You know me, keeping it low key 24/7 as always” – Kanye West.

“Being well respected is all well and good, but how funny would it be if I stole a bunch of money, I don’t want to be boring reliable maybe this year I’ll be more spontaneous” – Jacinda Ardern.