Japan Advised 2020 Probably Not Best Year To Be Bringing Asteroid Dust From Space

JAPANESE scientists are being asked if now is really the time to be examining asteroid dust collected by the Hayabusa-2 space probe, given the losing streak that earth has been on for the last 12 months.

A capsule from the space probe landed in our atmosphere earlier this morning as scheduled, but there have been calls for the Japanese space agency JAXA to ‘leave the fucking thing alone’ for a few months in case it unleashes some sort of Venom-esque goo monster that ‘wouldn’t help’ the world as it continues to battle ‘all this’.

In similar news from around the world:

• Scientists from CERN who are powering up the Large Hadron Collider for a groundbreaking dark matter experiment have been urged to wise the fuck up by government agencies from around the world
• All digging at a recently-discovered burial chamber containing 3,000 year-old mummies has been halted under a new ruling titled ‘Leave It The Fuck Alone, Lads’
• Norwegian scientists who claim to have discovered a large, disc-shaped vessel buried under thousands of years worth of Arctic ice are being informed by officials to stop doing everything, everything, just fucking stop, go back to camp, play with the huskies
• Waterford man Eamon Tolan, toying with the idea of making a Big Mac but with the burgers from a Whopper, has been tackled to the ground by his family and suitably restrained

Waterford Whispers News will be back with more news from Japan shortly, providing this asteroid dust doesn’t just drop us all with some space illness the minute it makes contact with our atmosphere.