Government To Withhold €250 Payment To Students Until They Promise To Vote For Them In Next Election


THE DELIVERY of a one-off €250 payment to Irish students has already run into significant administrative delays after the government mentioned a last minute change to the terms and conditions.

“We’re not aiming to make this anymore complicated than it doesn’t need to be, but just make a blood oath to vote for us in the next election and the cashish is yours,” explained some faceless minister from either Fine Gael or Fianna Fáil, it’s hard to tell.

“We think it’s a fair deal, if it wasn’t for us you wouldn’t have landlords to pay €1,000 to a month for accommodation,” shared another minister wearing backwards baseball cap in a Tik Tok video mistakenly uploaded to Bebo.

The 200,000 students, who according to government research have been brainwashed by Sinn Féin at birth, may need more persuading that just a one-off Covid payment to pledge to vote for any of the three government parties.

“Please play ball and love us unconditionally now for this empty gesture. We are getting it in the neck from our supporters who know you are just layabouts will spend all this on booze. They’re hard working taxpayers unlike you freeloaders, pinky promise to vote for us,” added an official.

“C’mon dudes and dudettes, we speak the student lingo. What is it you want; a free vegan latte or some shit? That’s right I did a swear – I don’t give an S. Subsidised nipple ring piercings? You’re still into fidget spinners, right? Just don’t ask for reduced fees, be reasonable” asked an official responsible for the annual disaster that is the SUSI grant scheme.