Varadkar To Spend Day Trying To Stop Pearse Doherty’s Heart With His Mind


OCCASIONAL-Taoiseach Leo Varadkar will today attempt to master the ability to telepathically kill someone from across the room, while a motion of no-confidence in him is called by opposition members in the wake of the Village Magazine scandal.

“I’ll give confidential documents to whoever I fucking like” seethed Varadkar, mustering as much concentration as he could in a bid to, by why of astral projection, send his formless soul across the room into the body of Sinn Féin TD, to make the Donegal man swallow his tongue or start smashing his head against a wall until dead, anything.

“And as for you, you can get fucked too” fumed Tánaiste [citation needed] Varadkar, imagining Mary Lou McDonald’s head bursting open like a watermelon that got dropped out of the window of a speeding car.

Ignoring most of the day’s proceedings, Varadkar redoubled his efforts to psychically assassinate his political opponents, reveling in how beautiful a crime it would be, and how easy it would be to get away with it.

“No murder weapon. I’m in full view of the house, sitting there minding my own business, so perfect alibi, absolutely nothing to connect me to Paul Murphy’s head just falling off his shoulders while he was in mid-rabbiting on about some nonsense or other,” smiled Leo, picturing himself giving a condolences speech on the news later today.

“That’d teach them all for having no confidence in me. They’d all soon learn that when they cross me…. PSSSSSHHHHH”.

Varadkar was snapped awake by Ceann Comhairle Seán Ó Fearghaíl, who wanted to know if the Tánaiste had just made a loud ‘PSSSSSHHHHHH sound out loud.

“Eh, no Ceann Comhairle, must have moved funnily in the seat or something,” said Varadkar, as the voting began.