World Watches On, Helpless


“SHIT, buckle up here we go” shared the non-American portion of the world as gluttons for punishment everywhere made the conscious decision to watch on helplessly at wall-to-wall US election coverage.

People, hiding behind couches and watching through gaps in their hands placed over faces, decided that what they need now in these trying times is to exponentially increase their blood pressure and anxiety by gazing over at America, unable to look away.

“Yeah honestly I find dealing with a pandemic and economic doom isn’t stressful enough so I think I’m going to jump on social media all day to watch videos of armed militias intimidating people as they vote, fun” shared one non-American person, already on their 4th coffee of the day.

Such is the worry and dread surrounding the election stable democracies such as Venezuela have called for calm, asking that the scandal ridden corrupt authoritarian leader of noted ‘shithole’ country America respect the election outcome, whatever it may be, and allow for a smooth transition in power.

Accepting the fact that they probably won’t sleep at all viewers of America, desperate for the series to be rebooted with new writers, will binge this latest episode with the sort of tension that usually only comes with watching the last final few Breaking Bads or a YouTube video of a surgeon with early onset Parkinson’s performing open heart surgery on a puppy while tightrope walking across the Grand Canyon.

“Relax everybody, I saw some celebrities telling people to vote for Biden, America’s got this calm yourself,” confirmed one person, clearly make the decision to live in a dreamland where nothing can hurt her.

In completely unrelated news, Canada and Mexico accelerated their plans to build their America proof border walls with construction expected to be finished by the end of the day.