10 Things Missing From The Government’s ‘Keep Well’ Campaign

THE GOVERNMENT has launched an extensive programme of events and resources under its ‘Keep Well’ campaign aimed at helping the public to keep active, stay connected, switch off, eat well and ‘mind your mood’ during what could be tough winter months for many.

Widely welcomed and commended though the campaign has been, the public noted a number of activities, events and resources missing from the programme which would go a long way to lifting the mood of everyone.

Here’s some of the things people think is missing from the campaign:

1) “Fuck sake, how hard is it to legalize all drugs and install free beer taps in every home, bit of cop on for once” – John Harty, Waterford.

2) Bringing 2021 forward by two months.

3) “Personally I know how integral the government getting me a date with Saoirse Ronan would be for me to get through 2020. Nationalise hand jobs too, every little bit helps” – Keith Malgen, Dublin.

4) Have Riverdance go door to door to pensioner’s homes and perform for them.

5) “I’ve no computer myself, so I’d appreciate if the Minister for Communications could print off pages of Pornhub for me and post them out to me, I’ve taken the liberty of writing down the sort of pornographical content I’m into here on these 40 pages, starting with…” Noel Crummond, Sligo.

5) Blanket ban on all discussion of American politics. In homes, on phones, in comment sections online.

6) Young topless personal trainer lads being sent to conduct their daily workouts in the homes of the nation’s lonely cougars.

7) As part of the eat well side of the campaign the 4-in-one should be declared all five or your five-a-day.

8) Free puppies.

9) Everyone gets to be interviewed on the Late Late Show on a topic of their choosing even if it’s about how a particular potato looks exactly like Colm Meaney.

10) Anything approaching functioning and well-resourced mental health services.