“Cash Strapped, Stressed Out & Trying Not To Die Of Covid? Have You Considered Hiring A Private Island For Your 40th Birthday?”


“JUST rent a private island, stupid”

In search of advice and sage wisdom from down to Earth humble people of note, WWN asked Kim Kardashian to share her easy, affordable and incredibly normal and relatable tips on how to pretend things were normal for a brief moment in time:

“Dear normal people I too am cash strapped, stressed out and fearful for my health thanks to Covid-19 which is why I, like a normal people, hired a private island to celebrate the skeleton which resides inside my state of the art, surgeon perfected, age-preserved body turning 40 years old.

It couldn’t be easier, step one: just stop being poor and take your inner circle of friends to a private island.

Step two: get back to doing the normal everyday things we used to take for granted like swimming with whales, watching a movie on a beach, staying eternally young by bathing in the tears of nubile virgins from a hitherto undiscovered tribe. You know, normal things.

Step three: enjoy the simple luxury of being able to travel and be together with family and friends in a safe environment, but be careful, the hired help on the private are wearing masks and are probably contagious and engaging in reckless behaviour and needlessly endangering you.

Step four: remind yourself of what truly matters; organising a large scale retreat to a private island during a global pandemic.

Step five: fire whoever was in charge of telling you posting this stuff online was a good idea.

Step six: Google definitions for ‘tone deaf’, ‘read the room’ and ‘how many holidays to private islands the average has person taken in 2020?’.

Step seven: issue why is everyone being mean to me apology statement in the coming hours.