A Timeline Of How Trump Contracted Covid-19
IT’S the news that has rocked the world, US president Donald Trump, in the middle of a reelection campaign and weeks out from polling day, has tested positive for Covid-19.
How did the conscientious leader, who has always stressed the importance of undermining health authorities and guidelines come to contract the virus which has cost 205,000 Us citizens their lives?
WWN explores the timeline of events to bring the clearest picture yet of the what, the when, and how it all happened:
1ST OF JANUARY 2020 – 1ST OCTOBER 2020
Trump mocks and criticises those encouraging people to protect their loved ones. Puts all his energy into sowing misinformation about a global pandemic.
Trump aide Hope Hicks, who has been in what has undoubtedly been reluctant unwanted close contact with the president, displays symptons and is tested.
11.30pm: Meanwhile, Trump leaves the Tuesday night debate against Biden on Air Force One. To celebrate an outstanding debate performance, a flute of Diet Coke is uncorked and all airplane surfaces are repeatedly touched and licked.
Mid-flight Eric Trump asks ‘how many people do you think can fit in an airplane bathroom at one time?’ Curious to a fault with an unending desire to acquire new knowledge Republican officials on board the plane jam themselves into the confined toilet.
9am: As part of a routine team bonding session, White House aides attend daily strategy meeting in White House sauna after a shirts and skins basketball game.
10am: Melania is overheard shouting “don’t fucking touch me, you make me sick” at the president. However, this is not believed to be related to Covid-19, and is, WWN understands, a daily occurrence.
Donald Jr, Trump’s only adult son he cares about, is seen constantly sniffling, snorting and rubbing his nose. Again, this is not believed to be Covid-19 related.
1pm: White House aides gather with Trump around a computer to look at pictures of Biden wearing a mask and not encouraging his supporters to attend large rallies. They all laugh at what a weak looking idiot Biden is.
Now experiencing a fever, the president asks officials to make sure the White House fridge is fully stocked up with bleach. “Oh, no reason in particular,” Trump responds when pressed as to why.
9pm: Displaying more symptons, Trump goes to a campaign fundraiser at his golf club in Bedminster. Reportedly coming into contact with 100 people. Trump makes mental note to call these people weak losers if they die as a direct result of him.
Hicks officially tests positive for Covid-19.
10pm: “No, Mr President, this is not how this works,” the White House doctor tells Trump as he tries to pay someone else to take his Covid test for him. Growing more fearful and desperate, Trump asks if claiming he had bone spurs in his feet could exempt him from testing positive.
Despite best efforts, Covid-19 tests positive for Donald Trump. Those in close contact with Trump now have to self-isolate and get tested.
“Mother, I have sinned greatly, forgive me” strict Christian and vice president Mike Pence tells his wife Karen, after he committed adultery by way of his tongue accidentally grazing off his Covid test swab. Pence is unable to provide an adequate explanation to his wife for his impressive lack of a gag reflex during the test.
9am: Trump reveals to the world he has Covid-19, still fundamentally misunderstanding how the virus works, he leaves his White House bedroom, barging past women and children in search of the first place on a Covid-19 lifeboat.
9.01am: White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany denies Trump has Covid-19 decries ‘typical lies from the media’.
9.02am: Public requests that if Trump hasn’t been in personal close contact with Mitch McConnell, he rectifies that immediately.
“I mean, how could this happen? We didn’t follow any of the safety procedures?” one upset White Official is overheard saying.
Worrying for the future of the United States, aides begin to rewatch Weekend at Bernie’s and begin taking notes.
1pm: In a head to head poll, Trump falls further behind Covid-19 in popularity.
Aides disconnect the White House wifi after hearing sobbing coming from Trump’s bedroom.