VAR Given New Identity & Moved To Safe Location


FOLLOWING a number of high profile and controversial decisions in the latest round of Premier League fixtures, police, worried for the safety of VAR, have placed it in an undisclosed location and given it a new identity.

With Jose Mourinho among other managers reportedly ordering a professional hit on the technology, VAR is now believed to be living a simple life in a quiet town under an assumed identity after police burst down the door of the visually impaired Portacabin at Stockley Park, warning VAR ‘your live is in danger, and rightly so if you ask us’.

“We fear for VAR’s longterm safety and its ability to blend in with a new identity, we’ve already had to relocate it a second time after it screamed ‘handball!’ at a child holding its mother’s hand,” explained the policewoman tasked with giving VAR a new identity.

Regularly called an insult to blind people, VAR has so far this season proved an even more controversial intervention in the game of football.

“Even my guide dog could see that wasn’t hand-fucking-ball you cretin,” confirmed one passionate football fan during all 178 head scratching VAR-based decisions this past weekend.

VAR’s sudden search for a safe haven could pave the way for football games to return to an idyllic past in which the game was entirely bereft of controversial and subjective decisions that drove football fans into blood vessel bursting shouting matches.

VAR’s absence from the game however is not without its casualties as a number of high profile defenders, in a desperate bid to avoid handball decisions in the season ahead, had their arms removed from their bodies.