Local Father Terrified Of Teenage Daughters


CONSTANTLY fearing he’ll be drawn into a complex argument about what it means to be a woman in today’s world, father-of-three teenage girls Rory Donald remains in a state of constant fear, like a hostage in his own home.

“I’ll be using a disposal razor to shave and I’ll get a lecture on the Pink Tax women endure, and how disposable plastics contribute to climate change which disproportionately effects women in developing nations,” explained Rory from the relative safety of his garden shed.

“And their confidence, and the clothes, the piercings; I used to mock my Dad for being out of touch and saying ‘that’s a belt not a dress’ to my sister but look at me now, cowering in fear. They fucking terrify me. Help me,” explained Rory, who was obviously very proud of how hyper-articulate, intelligent, caring and politically aware his daughters were as well, but Jesus.

With his wife letting all manner of comments and outdated opinions and ways of thinking slide for the majority of their relationship, Rory had enjoyed ruling the roost until in recent years his daughters began asserting themselves and disrupting the family dynamic in the process.

“When you pay the mortgage in this house you can have your say!” Rory remarked, forgetting his eldest daughter covers the mortgage thanks to her burgeoning career as an influencer/fashion designer/activist/Forbes 20 Under 20 Entrepreneurs To Watch.

“See, this is what I’m talking about – I was stoned 24/7 at their age. There’s no let up with them”.

Rory has long questioned why his daughters can’t just be like their brother Liam, who’s happy to just play Playstation all day and keep his mouth shut.

“That’s a typically myopic view of modern masculinity and puts toxic expectations on today’s men, Dad, you should know better. Shame on you,” relayed one daughter to Rory, who could have sworn he didn’t even say that last thought out loud.