US Health & Safety Advice Updated To ‘Try Not Being Black’


US POLITICIANS from both the Republican and Democratic parties in conjunction with those holding positions of importance in powerful institutions have secured the first major step forward in solving the current calls for an end to systemic racism by issuing a new ‘have you tried not being black though?’ advisory warning.

“Look, we don’t like it, we don’t like saying it, but this is coming from the CDC, the FDA, the NIH, the HHS, all letter based health agencies, and we just can’t square it any other way; the advice is to not be black, it’s not going to go well for you,” confirmed Health and Human Services secretary Alex Azar at a solemn press conference held by the sort of people who could easily solve a lot of these problems if they just tried.

“We’ve crunched the numbers, looked at the stats and no matter which way you look at it there’s nothing for it but to caution – it’s not exactly safe to be a minority guys. Maybe reconsider,” further experts from the group explained, who again, could really help end this stuff if they were willing.

The new updated health and safety advice has moved the US institutions from the denial status of ‘there isn’t a problem’ to the defeatist well-there’s-nothing-you-can-do higher alert level of ‘try not being black’. Despite the worrying development, the updated status does place the US ahead of other nations who are currently stuck in the smug ‘at least we’re not as bad as over there’ phase of inaction.

“Black people make up a disproportionate amount of Covid-19 deaths, black men have a 1 in 1,000 chance of being killed by police over the course of their life. Men in general are at 1 in 2,000, women are at 1 in 33,000 but let’s not open that can of disparity,” urged those holding the press conference before concluding “you’ve had your protest and made your little point so can we all go back to normal now?”.

The group then added being poor is also not advised but asked the media to refrain from informing working classes of all colours about the existence of one another as that would be ‘bad for us’.