Frantic Donohoe Encourages Everyone To Store Cash Under Mattress, Pray To God


WITH VARIOUS ECONOMIC outlooks for Ireland suggesting longterm unemployment could drop from its current 25% to a much more manageable ‘devastating 1980s style’ recession early next year, Min. for Finance Paschal Donohoe has urged people to clean out their bank accounts, store cash under their mattresses and pray to whatever God will listen.

“Liquidise your wife’s Diageo shares if she has any, liquidise assets, panic, hoard your wealth, grab your rosary beads and pray to Buddha while pointing towards Mecca” explained Donohoe, endorsing the robust Irish banking system and showcasing the calm fiscal rectitude Fine Gael is famous for.

With the news that Covid-19 welfare payments will be extended for at least several more months, Donohoe struck a different tone to the ECB, the EU and leaders of large EU nations by doubling down on how crippling economic hardship for everyone is unavoidable and necessary.

“Yes we’ve extended the Covid payments but we will have to pay for all of this somehow,” Donohoe added, stuck on loop while indicating he would ignore all ‘somehow’ options that didn’t involve austerity.

“Nationalise your children’s communion money; that goes under the mattress too, you’ll need every penny,” Donohoe continued in a reassuring fashion.

Donohoe indicated that some former TDs may have enough money in their pensions to stuff the mattresses full of cash themselves, but that most average paid people should stick to placing 10 cents coins under their mattresses.

“The more nervous among us – the bed wetters – should consider alternative places to put their money to avoid soiling their savings,” Donohoe concluded sheepishly, before buying new waterproof underwear online.