Pence Urges Trump To Deploy That Rugged, Sexy Army


VICE President Mike Pence has given Donald Trump his 100% backing when it comes to using the US military to tackle the ongoing civil unrest, adding that it’s ‘really warm out there these days’ and the male soldiers ‘may not even need to wear shirts’.

VP Pence made his statements from a bunker underneath the White House, where the Chiefs Of Staff have been forming a response to the escalating situation arising from the unlawful death of George Floyd at the hands of Minnesota police last week, with the team sometimes huddling together for warmth at Pence’s insistence.

Trump, stumped after his initial proverbial threat to ‘turn this car around and take everyone home’ was roundly ignored, began looking at his options to restore peace after being informed of the ‘poor optics’ of using cops to kill unarmed people as they protested against cops killing unarmed people.

Although Trump first urged governors to call on the National Guard to quell the increasingly bitter uprising, VP Pence stepped in and lobbied for the army instead, stressing that ‘those are the guys you really want to fuck’.

“‘…ing….get the job done, yes, those are the guys you really want to get the fucking job done'” said Pence, picturing the rippling muscles of a team of 23-year-old Arkansa privates as they opened fire on a crowd of unarmed minorities.

“Let’s get all those rugged, sweat-lashed American boys stomping on some Antifa skulls and then celebrate with a nice, relaxing game of volleyball here on the White House lawn. What do you say, guys? We could all just get out there with our troops and have a really, really great time”.