Dublin Zoo Will Feed Anyone Breaking Social Distancing Rules To The Lions


“ROOOWAAAR” snarled one of Dublin Zoo’s fiercest male lions, a warning to attendees this morning as the zoo reopened its doors to visitors for the first time since the Coronavirus lockdown.

“That means stay 2m away from each other and don’t touch the glass with your faces,” explained Zoo employee and real-life lion tamer Derek Cassidy to WWN how the zoo intends to maintain social distancing and good hygiene via ‘carnivorous animal enforcement’.

“When you hear that roar, you’re in violation of our rules. If you hear a second roar, you have 20 seconds to comply or the lions get released. If you continue to break the rules, you will not hear a third roar”.

Despite the harsh but necessary new guidelines which may see people’s faces eaten by trained chimpanzees for sneezing without covering up properly, families flocked to the zoo this morning to ‘get out of the house’, prompting some business owners to ponder if employing wild animals as staff could help them re-open sooner.

“They say swans can break your arm, so picture this; Penneys, re-opened, with swans on patrol” said a spokesperson the Re-Open Ireland With Animal’s committee.

“Or pubs that operate as normal, except with a cheetah that sprints out and disembowels anyone getting too close to others. It’s all on the table right now. The zoo has shown that there’s a way to maintain a healthy environment for people and ensure everyone has a great day, and at the cost of what? A severed arm or two? A python strangling? You’d get that most days anyway”.

WWN would like to issue our condolences to the family of our junior reporter who covered this story, who unfortunately was killed by a pack of wolves when he forgot to use hand sanitiser after leaving the bathroom on the African Plains.