Here’s What Ireland’s ‘Phased’ Exit From Lockdown Will Look Like


WITH the government announcing the first steps to planning a ‘phased exit’ from lockdown is to be undertaken with the help of consulting experts such as leading immunologists and virologists, the public has been busy speculating what will open first and when.

Ponder no more as WWN has jumped into your aunt’s WhatsApp group and has all the fact checked rumours gathered below:

First off, as of 7am tomorrow everything is reopening immediately or it will never open again, now that’s from a source in the know – keep it to yourself though.

A ban on mass gatherings may or may not include Mass gatherings. Clarification needed.

Schools will likely not reopen until September, regardless of how much crying and begging stressed parents do. Colleges will reopen however, to allow all people on social media who have acted like they have a PHD in Pandemics formally graduate.

One of the few aspects of reopening Ireland that will not be phased in but rather accelerated at a dizzying pace is businesses firing all employees who refuse to return to unsafe workplaces not observing recommended social distancing and health practices for their workers.

Barbers will reopen on the 1st of a month (no spoilers), but will only be allowed to cut half of a person’s head of hair and must do so with an electric razor attached onto the end of a broom to maintain social distancing.

GAA rules to be tweaked and championship to continue as normal. All points must be two metres above the crossbar to maintain social distancing. All hurling helmets to be made with with face masks. Schmozzles and brawls must take place in disinfected bubble. To save on time and energy Dublin will just be handed Senior Football title.

Building sites will be reopened once it can be guaranteed precious Irish housing prices can continue to increase, remaining out of reach for most ordinary people.

Pubs will be operating at full ‘recession sessions’ capacity, meaning lock ins until 3am every night to become the norm again.

Ritualistic sacrificing of the old and infirm to appease the capitalist Gods will take place in Silicon Docks daily but social distancing must be maintained.

Property owners whose properties magically appeared on after the arse fell out of the Airbnb market will not be allowed phase in their excuses for why they broke regulations on Airbnb lettings.

Teenage pregnancies set to skyrocket in the immediate aftermath of restrictions being lifted.

Spoofers who spent full lockdown claiming to have taken up the violin, learned Italian and completed a 5k in 11 minutes will be legally required to provide proof or face heavy fines.

Breathing directly into each other’s faces is 100% fine once restrictions are lifted.

As more businesses open and certain restrictions are lifted the government will stress the importance of social distancing and hand washing which Irish people will translate as “Thank fuck we don’t have to go through this ‘handwashing’ shite any more”.