Dumping Rubbish, Spitting On Police, Heading To Your Holiday Home: How You Can Do Your Bit


EVERYDAY the news brings you stories of people coming together and doing their bit to help society persevere in the hopes of emerging from this crisis better and more united than ever before.

If you haven’t done your bit yet but are looking for inspiration look no further than these small miracles and acts of kindness being performed by people who have cast aside their own materialistic desires and innate selfishness to instead do what’s needed for the common good:

1) Use this time when authorities of all kinds are stretched to breaking point to dump some rubbish on the streets, down lane ways and in fields. Your local community needs you now more than ever.

2) Burn down a 5G tower so its exo-plancton gamma rays are prevented from compromising your trabzonspor pores in your outer inner chicken dinner liver giver.

3) “Well rumour has it…”. Every single rumour spread around WhatsApp that you’ve seen so far has proven to be 100% false but don’t let that discourage you, keep sharing stuff you could easily dispel with a quick Google search. You’re hitting Leaders of 1916 levels of noble sacrifice.

4) Put peddle to the metal and get to your holiday home. We have a tendency to zone out when reading up on the latest news but we’re almost certain the authorities are begging people to leave their homes, load up and head somewhere else thus increasing the potential to further spread this pandemic.

5) Spit on police because as we’ve learned as per WHO guidelines – this is the best and most selfless thing you can do. Keeping officers’ skin lubricated is part of your patriotic duty to the nation. Spitting not for you? Do something more practical like ringing the police to report your neighbour for cutting his grass – the cheek of him, doesn’t he knows there’s a lockdown?

6) Go for those 15 extra drives, 9 walks and 6 runs you only feel compelled to carry out because someone asked you not to. It sounds almost so profoundly stupid that it is actually a smart thing to do. And that way, you can report with some authority that ‘Jesus, there’s some amount of fucking eejits out and about when they should be at home’ if you happen to encounter anyone doing their small bit of solo exercise within 2km of their home.