“Where’s Our Fucking Chips?” Demand Seagulls

THE Irish seagull community has called for emergency chips to be delivered to seaside resorts across the country amid dwindling footfall figures as a direct result of the Covid-19 lockdown.

Not used to foraging for food naturally using their basic instincts, the Westernised gulls likened the current climate to a ‘famine’, stating that humans will have blood on their hands as opposed to bird poop if things are to remain the same.

“Where’s our fucking chips?” a spoke seagull announced from a sea battered railing on Tramore promenade, now closed for the past 5 days along with several take away food restaurants, “we’re basically left here to starve to death with not even a spice burger between us.

“What are we supposed to do; dive bomb into the sea like those culchie seagulls out there, fending for themselves? I’ll be fucked if I have to chase some smelly fishing boat. Also, I’m scared of heights for Christ sakes and haven’t a clue about surviving on my own”.

Echoing the seagulls squawks, the smaller bird sandpiper community also called for some intervention, however, not for free chips, but to eradicate all seagulls from seaside resorts indefinitely.

“They can piss off with their emergency chips,” announced a 3-year-old sandpiper, who’s sick to death of seagulls bullying food from his family’s beaks, “I speak for all the small birds around here when I say; they deserve to die in a chip famine, the posh townie cunts”.