Flood Hit Areas Pretend To Have Coronavirus In Bid To Get Government’s Attention

IN ORDER to get the rapid and well resourced response they deserve, the flood hit communities of Ireland have donned face masks and started fake coughing to get the government’s attention, WWN can confirm.

While coughing is not normally viewed as a solution to flooding, locals living along the River Shannon and elsewhere are hoping that by aping the symptoms associated with Covid-19 they can benefit from the sort of support and planning the government provides when it deems something worthy of their attention.

“Riddled with corona so we are,” shared flood victim Carol Barry, who is willing to try anything after years of her pleading for help has been ignored.

“I’ve slices of lime coming out me hole. Yup, ahem, ‘cough cough’. Now if the rapid response HSE panic flu squad are listening, we’ll take medical care in the form of irrigating that flood plain across the way and building that flood defence wall we first mentioned 18 years ago. Or buying us out as part of a compensation scheme. Sound”.

“You can write letters, talk to the media, be filmed crying on the Six One news, or fuck it, you can even drown, but this shower couldn’t be arsed listening to our concerns and acting to prevent repeated flooding,” shared local man Barry Carroll, in between fake coughs and applying his wife’s makeup to make himself look paler.

Many consistent victims of floods have informed the government, they all attended a coughing orgy in Wuhan city, China just a week ago, prompting the government’s flu pandemic specialists in Dublin to urge the government to enact emergency protocols.

“God, that’s awful, okay, here’s what you should do; we’ll have to cut you off from the outside world and cease all contact. It’ll be like you’re completely on your own, like no one knows you exist or even cares. We must contain this,” a government statement declared, meaning the affected communities will sadly see no change in how the government currently interacts with them.