FEARFUL that we can’t keep up with the demands of this publication’s editor to come up 40 Coronavirus related stories every hour, aimed at causing mass hysteria with each story more poorly research than the last, WWN has exclusively nabbed an interview with Niamh Tully, an Irish woman who orders Chinese take away now and again.
Read Niamh’s SHOCKING interview that we hope puts the fear of God into you. Don’t forget to keep refreshing this website’s homepage for more needlessly overblown and TERRIFYING coverage of the CORONAVIRUS, which could have INFECTED everyone in IRELAND, who knows.
WWN Coronavirus Daily: Thanks for taking the time to speak to us Niamh on the phone. Are you dead from Coronavirus yet?
Niamh: What? No, I thought this was about my favourite take away I-
WWNCD: Thanks Niamh, it’s very brave of you to reveal exclusively to the WWN Coronavirus Daily that you have ‘taken away’ the virus from mainland China here to Ireland where presumably everyone is infected now.
Niamh: Sorry? Hang on, I’ve never been to- just what? Like what the fuck?
WWNCD: That is shocking. Niamh Tully, a beautiful young woman, with her whole life ahead of her hadn’t even been to CHINA and still contracted Turbo Coronavirus, which one science person we talked to said can be spread if a person just THINKS about the virus. Niamh, you’re so brave.
Niamh: I thought this was about the Full Moon Chinese down the road, you know, you got in touch to say there could be a Just Eat voucher in this for me or something. This is so confusing.
WWNCD: You have the full sympathies of our readers, who will learn in our EXCLUSIVE here, that you’re already confused, your brain reduced to mush by the virus you have definitely contracted.
Niamh: I’m going to hang up now, this is very weird. I-
WWNCD: Yes being in an isolation unit off the coast of China, dressed head to toe in a hazmat suit must to weird. Thanks for confirming you have a CONFIRMED case of Corona hear in IRELAND. What’s that beeping sound Niamh.
Niamh: Soup, I had the microw-
WWNCD: Oh dear God, Niamh, are health officials boiling you alive and reducing your body to a soup in a bid to rid you of this wretched virus? They are, aren’t they.
This is when the call with Niamh ended. We didn’t attempt to call her back and can only speculate that her Corona infested body exploded outside a playground where children were playing, covering them in blood riddled Corona. RIP Niamh.