AHEAD of Ireland’s crucial general election on Saturday the 8th of February, get to know the Taoiseach and leader of the Fine Gael party:
Name: Leonidas Varadkar
Age: 41 (although his operating system was updated recently)
Superpower: Not letting his unrelenting and violent night terrors affect his ability to straight up ignore the plight of the impoverished.
Favourite movie: Bad Boys 2.
Favourite inspirational quote: “Dead people can’t vote”. A quote even a cursory examination of the electoral register would contradict.
Pastimes: Regularly jogs in Phoenix Park despite being terrified of deer. “They know. They fucking know,” he explains.
What’s the price of a pint of milk: “Nice try, it’s €14.50”.
Key message to public: “If you even dare consider voting anyone else, the ground will swallow you up and Brexit will murder your children.”
Most likely to say: We haven’t always got it right. Vote for us anyway.
Least likely to say: We haven’t always got it right, so yeah, totally understand if you want to fuck us the fuck out of fucking government.
Bonus Leo facts: He was the Green Morbeg. He’s had the same email address; LeoDaManVRDKR at Hotmail dot com since he was ten. His favourite computer game is Pacman, where he purposefully walks straight into the ghosts without even attempting to escape. “It makes me feel more in control to accept my fate” he says. Hasn’t washed his hand since he shook Kylie Minogue’s hand.