If Person Not Picking Up Phone After Fifth Ring Maybe Try Fucking Texting, Finds Study

A GROUNDBREAKING new study into human behaviour and technology has found that if a person does not pick up their phone after the 5th ring, the caller should maybe try texting first, and stop being such an impatient fucking bastard.

Research also found that texting first before ringing may be the answer to securing an actual phone call.

“If you want to speak to someone on the other end of the line, don’t think you can just pick up your phone and cold call them out of the blue, what, do you expect me to just drop fucking everything?” carefully explained lead researcher of the study John Bakeman, who launched the study after becoming sick of his wife ringing him all the time during the day.

“No one knows what they want to eat for dinner at 1pm in the day, Elaine, so just cop yourself on and wait ’til we’re at least hungry enough to know what we want to eat”.

The husband-led study also found that private numbers will in no way be answered at any time of the day, whether the person on the other end of the line is busy or not.

“I know it’s you fucking ringing because your mad that I wouldn’t pick up to your number, but what makes you think I’ll answer a private one, huh, Elaine? It’s quite obvious it’s you ringing just two seconds after your five missed calls, so piss off, I’ve fucking shit to do”.

However, the study has since confirmed that a ‘seen’ text message is as good as picking up the phone and not answering, stating that even a ten second delay in responding to a seen message is as good as filing for a divorce.

“I’m sorry, baby, okay, I didn’t mean it, I’m just so fucking busy right now, you know?” the study concluded.