The Tabloid Media’s Guide To Coronavirus
DON’T believe the hype and media frenzy about Coronavirus? Well time to wise up pal, because according to the tabloids and clickbait ‘news’ sites online, the Coronavirus has already got you and is having the mother of all orgies in your immune system.
Need to better educate yourself in paralysing fear, enabled by ludicrously irresponsible reporting and a limp loose grasp of basic science; look no further as WWN has collected invaluable information from the tabloids, all in one handy place:
“Throw out all your Chinese electronics. Your Chinese manufactured TV which you bought 6 years ago has been vomiting HD Coronavirus pixels all over your sitting room”. Source: The Daily Mail.
“Throw out your priceless China. Sew surgical masks to every one your orifices. Push elderly relatives into an open grave and leave them behind, they’ve had a good life. Scream. Loudly, and forever.” Source: The Daily Mail.
“Is this Patient Zero? Meghan Markle pictured next to woman drinking Corona with lime DAYS before virus discovered thousands of miles away in China”. Source: The Daily Mail.
“Local CHINESE student ISOLATED over CORONAVIRUS FEARS!!!*” Source: The Daily Mail. *Isolated by fellow students through age old tradition of being racist about source of virus.
“SICKENING! Pathetic students racially abuse Chinese student over completely unfounded Coronavirus fears. SHAME ON THEM!” Source: Oddly, also The Daily Mail.
“That Chinese woman down the town who is actually Korean and has never been to China definitely has it.” Source: Baseless rumour shared on WhatsApp that actually started in India.
“Lads, now, it’s just a rumour but I heard the Stryker Christmas Party was in Wuhan Province, and basically 20 of them coughed all over each other and were fired”. Source: WhatsApp voice message shared in group titled ‘Sarah’s baby shower’.
“You’re dead”. Source: www.grownupsciencenewsforverysmartpeople.com.
“Logic be damned, just really luxuriate in reactionary panic laced with racism and presume all Asian people in your general vicinity are a one-stop shop for a virus that they most certainly have not contracted”. Source: The Sun.
“Shit. Shit. Shit. The Chinese invented ketchup, the compass, the fucking toothbrush. Nothing is safe. Did you wipe your arse in the last week? Christ, they invented that too. Not wiping your arse; toilet paper!” Irish Independent.
“Why I’m Not Ordering Chinese Takeaway Until This Is All Over, And Why It’s Totally Not Racist So Don’t Make Me Feel Bad” Source: that website you normally browse for videos of Irish people coming home from Australia to surprise their mothers.
“Whenever an antidote is found I will celebrate this fact, but then later claim it causes autism.” Source: Your aunt.