USING advanced technology first utilised by the supermarket industry, the Minister for Health Simon Harris has launched new A&E trolley bays with euro coin slots to curb the problem of overcrowding.
“We’ve looked at why there’s record numbers of patients on trolleys, and since we already know it’s nothing to do with the government or the recruitment freeze, we can only assume it’s the patients’ fault in some way. Maybe there’s no beds now ‘cus they’ve all stolen them,” confirmed the government’s chief Not Our Fault strategist.
The thinking within the government now seems to be that patients, many of whom are just faking illnesses to get attention, would be put off from seeking care if they were charged one euro to activate the use of a rickety and uncomfortable trolley bed and therefore numbers of sick people seeking treatment will go down.
“If the 18 hour wait for treatment doesn’t kill them, having them wheel the trolley back to some far off trolley bay at the other side of the car park should do it,” remarked one person with experience of running a public health service into the ground as part of a long-term plan to privatise all healthcare.
The new system will see an increase in infirm patients being forced to fight over the last remaining trolley in a bay, and a rise is squeaky wheels which are painful to listen to.
“We hear you. We’ve listened to the concerns of staff, and of patients too. We will act on this to improve things. This won’t happen again,” Minister Harris said staring vacantly into the distance, repeating the same phrase uttered by every Minister for Health since the HSE was established.