IN THE WAKE of the news that the World Anti-Doping Agency (Wada) has banned Russian from competing in a variety of high profile sporting events including the 2022 World Cup and the 2020 Olympics, Vladimir Putin has gone on record to offer his condolences in advance of all the unfortunate accidents that will befall Wada officials in the coming months.
“Whether it is from a bad cup of tea, a non-suspicious gas leak or from throwing themselves off a bridge from inside a suitcase, my condolences,” Putin added, clearly sad ahead of time at the untimely and tragic demise of those that dare punish Russia for the things it has been caught red handed doing.
The ban ushers in a tough period of time for Russian athletes punished for the Russian state’s doping programme as it robs them of their dream to compete in world’s most prodigious sporting tournaments.
“You mean I grew this second head for fucking nothing?” an understandable irate Russian athlete shared, his bulging and enhanced muscles glowing a disturbing purple colour.
In his final comments on the matter, Putin once again denied his government could instigate such a nefarious and dishonest programme before suggesting Wada officials were lying.
“Men who lie like that, I’ve seen what it can do to them. They can feel so guilty they shoot themselves five times at point blank range in the back of the head before chopping their own bodies up into 40 pieces and posting their own remains to other people as a warning. It’s very sad”.
Elsewhere, disappointed sports fans are livid their chances to see an athlete do the 100 metres in under three seconds have been ruined by the Russia ban.