ORDER! Order! It’s time for John Bercow to call last orders on his time as speaker of the House Of Commons, following a stewardship that saw him presided over some of the most heated, contentious debates in the history of the crumbled Empire.
So what next for Bercow? Here’s five roles we think he’d fit right into…
1) Thunderdome official
With Britain set to become an uninhabitable wasteland following the seemingly inevitable no-deal Brexit, it’s equally inevitable that some form of gladiatorial combat arena will spring up to sate the violent urges of the masses. And who better to preside over all this, then our pal Bercow! “Two shall entaaaaahhhhh! One shall leave!”
2) Crèche operator
If the UK doesn’t tear itself apart after Halloween, Bercow could perhaps use his experience with dealing with big children to deal with little ones, in a crèche/daycare environment. It may mean dealing with less people who have recently shat themselves, though.
3) Performance artist
Nobody can Bercow like Bercow, so he has an opportunity to corner the market in just… being John Bercow! How much would you pay to go to a show where he stood on stage yelling “order” for an hour? We’d definitely pay about a fiver.
4) Stay as speaker of the House
Politicians have a habit of standing down and just… going nowhere. They just show up on the bench the next day. ‘Oh yes, I stood down as MP for West Wurchingham, but I’ve retained my role as Chancellor For The Fimbles’… you just can’t get rid of these cunts. So don’t be surprised if Bercow just shows up for work as normal.
5) Open ‘John Bercow’s 1950s Hamburger And Milkshake Joint’
Order! Order! Who ordered the double bacon with cheese?! Order! Again, we’d pay a whole fiver for this experience.