Where Are They Now: Seamus Bin Laden


IF ever there was a family that couldn’t catch a break, it’s the Bin Ladens. Following the death of patriarch Osama in 2011, the news arrived this week that his son Hamza has also died.

Attention now turns to the rest of the grieving Bin Laden family as well as reigniting the question about what ever happened Seamus Bin Laden, leader of the Mayo branch of al Qaeda.

Seamus, SBL to his friends, sprung to notoriety in the aftermath of 9/11 by growing his beard out and retreating to the Mayo Mountains in solidarity with his far-removed and apparently ‘wrongly accused’ cousin Osama.

Emerging only to host his new weekly discussion show on RTÉ 1, Seamus Bin Laden became a well-known figure in the Irish wackjob community, and later made a pretty good swing at a presidential run, polling well among both arseholes and shitheads alike.

SBL continued making waves around the country and seemed content with his status as the leader of an al Queada tribute act, with members including his brother Fintan Bin Laden, and his best friend from school Fergal Afif Abedljalil, although the group could never manage to attract anyone other than those two people.

However, things took a turn for the worse for SBL following the death of his idol and adopted family member Osama Bin Laden in 2011, prompting Seamus to go on a nine-week ‘Talibender’ across the island of Ireland, yelling at planes flying overhead which he claimed were ‘full of US soldiers’ and urging people to rise up with him and ‘kick the shit out of a McDonalds’.

This ongoing wake reached it’s nadir in early 2012, when SBL found himself sinking pints in Howth, Co. Dublin, and noticed a large group of people looking into the harbour at a herd of seals that had swum up to the pier.

“Was it you seal pricks that kilt Ozzie?”, Seamus was heard to shout, as the surrounding crowd tried to explain to him that there’s a difference between a Navy SEAL and an actual seal.

“Yis think youse are smart, well Seamus Bin Laden isn’t going to be taken out by a fuckin’… dolphin-shagger” he roared, before diving into the water to ‘give them a few digs’.

Although his body has never been found, eyewitnesses that day say there’s no way that any human could survive such a mauling by twenty fully-grown bull seals, and that Seamus Bin Laden died just like his hero Osama did – taken out by a group of seals before his body was dumped in the sea.

Despite the overwhelming evidence that SBL is in fact dead, rumours persist that the Achill Amir still lives to this day, with sightings reported regularly. Some say he’s living the high-life in Syria with Osama – also not dead – Bin Laden, and some say he had facial reconstructive surgery and walks among us disguised as country and western superstar Mike Denver.

Either way, the life and times of Seamus Bin Laden is just another sad chapter in the tale of the Bin Laden family, and our thoughts and prayers go out to the surviving members, William, Declan, Cathal, Wee Michael, Fionnula, and Sinead.