Fungi Admits Longing For Sweet Release Of Death

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
SHARES

SQUEAKING exclusively to WWN, famed Dingle dolphin Fungi has admitted that sometimes the daily drudge of putting on a smile for a boat load of fat tourists just makes him want to swim ‘right into the fucking propeller’.

Fungi, 38, has been a staple part of the Irish tourism industry since arriving in Dingle in 1983, and has recently had to tackle allegations that he’s died and been replaced several times over that time span.

However, the Bottle-Nosed legend has laughed these allegations off, adding that “he wished” his life would come to an end after nearly 40 years of hard service, and that some other dolphin would “lend a fin with this tourism shit”.

“Died and replaced? Who am I, Paul McCartney” scoffed Fungi, drinking Powers right out of the bottle.

“Can’t live in peace. Can’t die in peace. What more do they want from me? Why can’t I just lie down upside-down and have gone with? How much more of this is a dolphin expected to take?”

Although residents in Dingle have reached out to Fungi, it’s hard to tell if they have his best interests in heart, or if they’re just trying to protect their meal ticket.

“They tell me, ‘smile, Fungi! Just keep swimming, Fungi'” grimaced the porpoise.

“Oh I’ll keep swimming, alright. One of these days, I’ll keep swimming into the engine of a God damn Stena Sealink”.

ONE MORE THING: Like what WWN does and think Satire (known in Ireland as 'taking the piss') is worth supporting as we face the threat of legal action, the permanently offended and 'Big Tech'?

We're not arrogant enough to think we make the world a better place (that's the job of megalomaniacal dictators) but a small contribution of €5/$5 a month from readers can enable us to keep doing what we're doing, and what's more is we'll give exclusive bonus content and offers to our supporters.

WWN's least favourite phrase in the English language is 'they only love you when you're gone' so help keep us going if you can.

Signing up is easy and done HERE.
Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.
Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share