Mindfulness App Needs Payment And Update Now, You Piece Of Shit

CHANGES made to popular mindfulness app Hey Hey Calm Down There will require users to not only update their app, but also subscribe to a premium package if they want to continue their course of meditation and not be such a fucking whinge-bag all the time.

The app, made by Waterford-based tech company Hardkore, has millions of users worldwide who use the built-in meditation guides voiced by the soothing tones of a soft-spoken local man to help them through their hectic, often anxiety or depression-filled lives.

Although initially provided as a free service with an option to choose a paid package free from ads, the latest upgrade will demand that the legions of now-dependent users will have to fork out 10 euro per month or face the horror of having to take a train ride without a Waterford man in their ear telling them to feel their arse sinking lower into the seat, as the sounds of two lads fighting in the carriage continues to drift into the distance.

“Pay us, you sad fucks,” stated Derek Kore, CEO of Hardkore Developers.

“We’re the guided meditation app that you never knew you needed, but now you can’t do without. You’ve got anxiety? Boo hoo. Read these 18 pages of terms & conditions and let use use your Facebook data or we’ll cut you the fuck off.

“Oh, you can’t go to sleep at night without a wind-down coming through your headphones? Upgrade, you piece of shit. Oh and by the way, our new upgrade is only available on the newest smartphones, so I guess you’ll have to go get a new handset too while you’re at it. Can’t afford it? Fuck you! Just because we’re a fuckin’ yoga app doesn’t make us Mother Teresa”.

A free version of Hey Hey Calm Down There is still available, but only for a 10 day trial period, and only usable as long as you don’t mind ads for mattresses every 3 minutes.