HURLING lip filler kits, protein shakes, large gin glasses and kettle bells through the windows of Instagram offices in San Franciso a large crowd of narcissistic app users demanded an end to a trial which has seen Instagram hide the number of likes photos get from people scrolling through feeds.
“Hey assholes,” shouted one muscular young man while strangling an Instagram employee with his singlet, “I need constant validation through social media, but more importantly I need people to see how many likes my sick bod gets so people know I’m more attractive and therefore better than them”.
The trial measure is to be rolled first in Ireland and is seen as an attempt to curb the competitive nature of Instagram feeds which are often overwhelmed by idealised versions of lifestyles, beauty and bodies, resulting in the self-esteem and mental wellbeing of some users suffering as they compare and compete.
“Fuck that mental health shit. I’ve got a picture of me in a bikini sipping a cocktail that was worth at least 800 likes and who knows, maybe I could secure a collab with some dodgy diet pills that are just harmful laxatives that fuck up your bowels,” added another Instagram influencer now clutching the jacket of frightened looking security guard in her hands.
The true tragedy of self-obsessed social media users no longer able to compete with one another over likes only hit home for senior Instagram figures when confronted by one crying user.
“Me and my boyfriend took one of those photo where I’m in the photo holding his hand off on an adventure together and without showing off the likes I get for that, what am I supposed to do – enjoy that contrived lie as if it’s genuinely some sort of treasured memory and not just an attempt to compete with people over who has the best life?” wailed one young woman, before courageously adding a 20% discount code to the end of her speech.