Lazy Bastard Insists Back Garden Is “Biodiversity Friendly”


WATERFORD man and renowned layabout Declan Haskey has doubled down on his claim that his overgrown, weed-filled back garden is actually the perfect habitat for hundreds of thousands of insects, and as such is a wonderful help to the decimated pollinator population in the area.

Haskey, 34, hasn’t bothered tending to the 40 feet by 20 feet area out the back of his Dungarvan house for over four years, leading to a level of overgrowth and disrepair that his neighbours have declared to be ‘a total fucking disgrace’.

However Haskey has hit back at his horticultural critics after reading a guide to improving biodiversity in your locality, and stresses that his garden is not only a shithole by choice, but a shithole with a very noble purpose.

“Bees need a certain environment to thrive in, and the senseless devastation to our hedgerows has lead to a perilous situation that demands immediate action” said Haskey, who read all this on the internet ten minutes ago.

“I’m actually doing the community a huge favour by creating a biodiversity area in my back yard that will become home to thousands of insects, bees, and other wildlife such as rats and things. Everyone wants me to take the strimmer to it, kill the weeds, not have as many old fridges and bits of cars in it; to them I say, how dare you attack Waterford’s wildlife like that! Shame on you! Now if you’ll excuse me, The Chase is on”.

Officials at the Irish Wildlife Association have come forward to begrudgingly admit that although Haskey is a very, very lazy bastard, he’s actually 100% right.