THE NSA spying on its own citizens in America, Google bowing to the Chinese government’s demands on censoring its citizens’ access to information, and Facebook playing a role in facilitating anti-Muslim propaganda from the Myanmar. It’s no wonder why people are calling on the Irish government to interfere and regulate tech firms.

What does the government’s plan for regulating the internet look like? WWN Tech has the exclusive first look at leaked proposals which are set to keep everyone safe from things like pornography, and the freedoms you currently enjoy while browsing online:

Morag

An 85-year-old Windows 98 user and Internet Explorer dynamo, Morag will be hired by the government to decide what pornography 18 year old’s are allowed watch.

No internet on Sundays

It is a Holy day after all. The internet will remain closed for the entirety of all Sundays.

Making sure these tech firms pay their fair share of tax

No, sorry, actually can’t see that anywhere here in the proposals. They’ll surely do it though, right?

Porn ID

Copying the British model which has already been all but abandoned due to how unworkable and useless it is, the Irish government is to require people over 18 to buy ‘porn IDs’ from local shops in order to gain access to online pornography.

It is estimated that it will be the year 2089 before the government discovers what VPNs are and that, much like trying to prevent teenagers buying alcohol when underage, this is will be a roaring runaway success.

Taking suggestions from Joe Duffy callers

While people at the forefront of research in technology, cyberpsychology and myriad other disciplines relative to forging sensible regulations might sound like people that should be listened to, the government is instead going to take the recommendations of an irate parent who can’t the stuff their 6-year-old accidentally Googled one day when only left unsupervised for 12 hours.

Banning sexual offenders from social media

The government is proposing a social media block for all sex offenders, which is the ultimate punishment as they’ll miss out on sharing memes online, and with a new season of Black Mirror just out, and more Stranger Things on the way, this measure seems especially cruel.

Hiring experts to close doors after a horse has bolted

The government is committed to spending too much money on self-anointed tech experts and consultants to close doors of barns where decades earlier a horse escaped. This will prove to be money well flushed down the toilet.

Getting the BAI involved for some reason

Previously best known to the public as the body in charge of making sure bigots, misogynists and homophobes have equal time on air during referendum campaigns in Ireland, the BAI have now put themselves forward as the possible body to govern what is deemed inappropriate content online. What could go wrong? ‘Nothing’ is presumably what the government will say before agreeing with the BAI.

Warren G

Who better to regulate than Warren G himself, this endeavour will ft. Nate Dogg.

Investing in a modern sex education programme for all schools, investing in the area of supports and service for abuse victims, improving sentencing guidelines for sexual offences

Sorry, no, that doesn’t seem to on here either.