THE DATE of the local elections are closing in fast (May 24th) and like a large portion of the public you may be struggling to keep track of all the upstanding members of the public putting themselves forward, vying for your vote.
Not sure if your vote should go to the man on the poster on the lamp post who is inexplicably hugging a lamb and has a slogan “Foreigners? I’m Not Sure!” or the woman with a picture of a doctor vaccinating a child under the header “stop the murdering autism terrorist mind controllers”.
WWN is at the vanguard of politics and scientific innovation and with a series of questions listed below we can pair you with the local candidate who would serve you in council, according to your specific beliefs, priorities and ideology:
Q: Are you…?
If you answered ‘rich’ you can end this your participation in this quiz by simply voting for Fine Gael
Q: Do you want your candidate to make a genuine difference or just fix the pothole you drive over every day?
A) Fix pothole, fuck everything else.
B) Making a genuine difference sounds like I might have to help in some small way…no thanks.
Q: Would you prefer your candidate to be independent or belong to one of the main political parties?
A) As long as they aren’t funded by the shadowy network of Vegans that now secretly run our country I don’t care.
B) Can I have the best of both worlds? Can’t my candidate look like he was dragged through a hedge backwards and borrowed clothes from a tramp AND belong to one of the big parties?
Q: Finish the following sentence: “Decent…”
A) Auld skin.
B) Human being.
Q: Among the issues local councils can affect include housing, the environment, the upkeep and development of local amenities, what’s most important to you?
A) De foreinures.
B) Dem forrenners.
Q: Hmmm, okay, but in terms of local issues that have real world application to your communities – what’s most important in terms of an issue you’d like to see addressed?
A) While I have a black friend myself – the foreigners.
B) Them Economic Migraines
Q: Finish the following sentence: “My ideal candidate should have a fully functioning…”
B) Licenced bar, of which they are the landlord, and if they win the pints are on them.
Mostly As – We’ve paired you Fianna Gael’s candidate Leona McCormick O’Dowd. She believes in people paying their fair share in Irish society when it comes to paying for her expenses and helping her edge one step closer to the gravy train of the Dáil or the Seanad.
Mostly Bs – We’ve paired you Fianna Gael’s candidate Sean O’Dowd because there is no escape from this endless nightmare. No matter how hard you try, no matter what friend or family member you plead with to vote Social Democrats, Sinn Féin, Green Party or the Irish Dole Party, you will not stop them. Sean, married to Leona, cares deeply about caring deeply about looking like he cares about thing if it helps him advance himself into an elected position that pays well.