What Turban Wearing Gardaí Means For Your Dad’s Blood Pressure


NEWS that An Garda Síochána will permit the wearing of turbans and hijabs as part of an easing of Garda uniform rules could have a devastating affect on your dad’s blood pressure, WWN has learned.

It should be of no surprise that his blood pressure will sky rocket after he learns of the fact Ireland is, as he long suspected, under Sharia Law.

In a furious haze of rational thinking your father could then – in a perceived act defiance to the Sharia Law we definitely now live under – begin making a bacon sandwich while screaming ‘try and stop me An Garda Shariachána, I dare ya’. Leave him at it.

Pacing around the sitting room cursing at the Six One News may seem like it could be bad for his already dangerously high blood pressure, however, that pacing counts as exercise so it’s not all bad.

The red pigmentation of his face and the frothing at the mouth could be permanent, it’s too early to tell.

Do not try to calm or reason with him, this will only further increase his blood pressure. Doctors advise letting him rant from now until the end of the year. This may mean having to hear how Leo Varadkar is a secret member of an ISIS sleeper cell that has equal devotion to Allah and Kylie Minogue.

All encouragement for him to get a new hobby, get out more, read actual newspapers will not be welcomed at this point.

Expect him to fire in a flood of pictures with dubious immigration statistics into the family WhatsApp group. Doctors are unclear on what the best method is here; to respond to them or not to respond.

If your mother weighs in with some words of encouragement for him, do not intervene as it may help to ease his anger and therefore ease the high blood pressure.

Enjoy the brief calm between now and when he hears on the radio that under new government plans he is to be force fed halal meat until he vomits.