Diggers To Be Banned From ATM Queues Under New Measures


ATTEMPTS to bring an end to a succession of ATM robberies in the border counties in recent days and weeks has seen authorities take the unprecedented step of banning JCBs from queuing at ATMs.

“Of course we’re looking into the possibility that this is a misunderstanding and that diggers get startled and frustrated when they forget their pins or when people shout at them to hurry up, and God love them, they take it all out on the ATMs,” one member of An Garda Síochána working the ‘misunderstandings’ which have been labeled as robberies by others told WWN.

The banning of diggers from queuing up at ATMs to get out some cash could see a reduction in the number of ATMs being torn from the walls on banks, but it is simply too early to predict if these measures will be a success.

“I feel like a monster, like Edward fucking Scissorhands trying to shake hands or something,” one distraught digger told us, who wishes he was like everyone else but admits to having serious trouble operating ATMs and sometimes, thanks to his clumsy ways just straight up pulls them right out of the wall.

The digger refused to confirm or deny he was a former or current member of any Republican organisation.

The only remaining ATM left in Monaghan unblemished by recent events has said it lives in fear and had considered disguising itself as a vending machine in a bid to remain safely affixed to a wall.