Central Bank Issues New ‘Code Of Misconduct’ Guide For Banks
FOLLOWING the passing of Sinn Féin’s No Consent, No Sale Bill which would see the Central Bank’s voluntary ‘code of conduct’ practices on the transfer of mortgages become law, the banking regulator will abolish it instead and replace it with a mandatory Code of Misconduct.
Much to the relief of the Fine Gael government, the Central Bank is set to remove the very thing the Bill, recently passed by 80 votes to 45 and opposed by Fine Gael, seeks to make a statutory obligation for banks.
Shrugging their shoulders and folding dire warnings from financial experts into paper airplanes, the Central Bank confirmed that new regulations further empowering non-bankers just ‘wasn’t really their bag, man’.
“Asking money lenders to take on the risk of lending people money is a bit Celtic Tiger,” explained the Central Bank in a brief but concise statement, written in goat’s blood, “we, above anyone else on this financial institution loving island, have learned from our previous mistakes; hence why we just want banks to have the option of lending people money with the option of passing on that debt to scrupulous bastards with no morals if it all goes tits up. Basically, we just want to print the stuff and make money from it like we’ve always done. Thanks”.
The new misconduct guide is to also feature the easing in of 100% mortgages, the continued hiring of goons in balaclavas to retrieve debt and a proposal to have all banks automated and faceless in time for the next big crash.