Diamond Bricks & Champagne-Filled Portaloos; We Visit The Children’s Hospital Site


FEARS that over €1.7 billion of public money could be wasted or frivolously spent on the construction of the National Children’s Hospital are washed away the minute one steps onto the South Dublin site of the long-delayed project, with ample evidence on display that the taxpayer is getting the best value for every cent.

With the project now expected to be twice as expensive per square yard than the most expensive hospital anywhere else in the world, there had been concerns that huge amounts of cash had been wasted, with most of it disappearing into the pockets of developers and consultants- something that would be a first for Ireland.

However, during our exclusive access to the development it was evident that the project is in fact wringing every ounce of value out of the budget, with very little that could be scrimped or saved along the way.

“As you can see, we’re using the very finest hospital materials, from Swarovski crystal-infused breeze blocks, to emulsion that contains fragments of Walt Disney’s powdered bones” said a spokesperson from the Department Of Health, as they lead us around the site which, despite the beliefs of everyone in the country, is in just the right spot.

“You won’t find any part of the structure where we could have saved money, and therefore there’s literally no way that anyone linked to the project could have possibly profited from their involvement. Why, we’ve got some of the government’s closest allies working contracts on this place, and they’re only doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. Now, if you need the loo, you can use one of the portaloos over there. We’re sorry that they’re only using prosecco at the moment, the good stuff will be along later”.

Having completed our tour of the site, we can conclude that the project is continuing at peak efficiency, and if the lads need another few million to finish it to a degree they’re happy with, why not give it to them? What have you lot got against sick kids, anyway?