How To Maintain A Long Distance Relationship By Riding All Around You

WITH thousands of couples across Ireland in long-distance relationships due to work or college requirements, “how do you keep your sex life alive” is the question that most relationship experts get asked. Well, one Waterford couples counsellor may have stumbled upon a solution to the problem; simply ride everything you can while your partner is away.

“There are partners, married couples, even just young couples who are separated for weeks, even months at a time, all wondering how they can preserve the physical side of their relationship,” said Dr. Cathal Barron, one of Waterford’s leading experts on hole-getting.

“A lot of relationship counsellors would recommend using Skype and the like for sexy chats, sending racy texts and pics to each other… I think it’s much simpler to just fuck all around you while your partner is away, and say nothing when they get home”.

Although his methods may be controversial, Dr. Barron insists that the process is virtually flawless.

“As long as you stay safe, the other party need never know that you’ve been dipping everything in sight while they’re off working in Canada or wherever,” insisted the doctor, who offers his relationship services free of charge in exchange for a sofa to lie on now and then.

“Keep your mouth shut and remember to use Johnnies, and boom; you still have a loving partner who thinks you’re being faithful, but here’s the thing; you’re not! Not at all! You just need to lie to them and not do any riding of strangers on the three or four days during the year when they get home from the oil rig they’re working on, or whatever. I’m just stunned that I’m the first person to think of this!”.

Dr. Barron’s book “It’s Not Cheating If You Keep Your Fucking Mouth Shut About It” is in no self-respecting bookshops right now.