May Delays Brexit Vote Until Dani & Jack Sort Things Out

INSISTING the embarrassing deferral of the vote on the Withdrawal Agreement wasn’t postponed because she knew a damaging, career-ending loss was in the offing, British prime minister Theresa May today confirmed the vote was in fact delayed due to the ongoing uncertainty surrounding the bilateral relationship enjoyed by Love Island winners Dani and Jack.

“This uncertainty does nothing but harm Britain’s standing financially, leading investors are fleeing the country as we dither and fail to get the decisive answer – are Dani and Jack going to make it?” confirmed Theresa May, looking animated for the first time this century.

The winners of the reality dating show Love Island, Dani Dyer and Jack Fincham, have in the last week been at the centre of tabloid stories speculating on their rocky relationship that seemed all but over following Dyer’s posting of an Instagram status.

“It would be a dark day in Britain’s history if this Union was to be broken apart amid mindless squabbling by idiots, we cannot let this happen, Dani and Jack, don’t break up,” May added as her decision to delay the Brexit vote in parliament received backing from 100% of MPs, who were too worried about the Love Island pair to think about nonsense like Brexit.

A helpful knock on effect of delaying the vote means all media outlets can cease their Brexit reporting thus diverting all their resources to hounding the newly famous young couple in an effort to provide the public with round the clock coverage.

The EU was quick to respond to May’s decision and did so in a unified voice.

“For once you’re not delaying because of stupid faffing about. We completely understand, take all the time you need,” confirmed Michel Barnier.

A petition for a People’s Vote on the relationship of Dani and Jack has 23 million signatures as of this morning.