French Riots Calmed After Distribution Of Emergency Wine, Onion Necklaces


MARTIAL law has been narrowly avoided on the streets of Paris after rioters were talked down after almost a month of violent disruption by an emergency airdrop of thin cigarettes, berets, black and white striped jumpers and wicker-bottomed carafes of red wine.

The ‘Gilet Jaunes’ protests had kicked off over the last three weeks to push back against proposed tax hikes to fuel, prompting truck drivers and motorists to take to the streets for in a classic example of what the French refer to as ‘kicking lé fuck off’.

With four deaths recorded so far and widespread destruction mounting as the protests morphed from fuel tax anger to a wider demonstration against the Macron government, emergency stashes of onion necklaces and baguettes were released, prompting rioters to stop throwing petrol bombs at two-seater smart cars and disperse in an orderly fashion.

“Sometimes French people get French, and by that we mean they get incredibly angry and smash the place up. So all we have to do is move the ‘French’ dial back the other way, so they get back on their bicycles and cycle up and down the banks of the Seine” said Officer Erique Gateaux, riot control.

“We deployed the anti-riot measures; a cannon firing accordions here, a water cannon dousing crowds with UHT milk there… soon the people began to realise that there’s more to being French than trying to rip down the government every time they get a bit pissed off. Hopefully this’ll be the last we see of them in the streets, until the government implement a rudeness tax or something”.

The rioters were last seen dispersing in the direction of a number of cafes on tree-lined Parisian streets, where they all sat smoking under an awning while reading tattered old novels.