Mrs Brown Detained In Direct Provision Centre Due To Clerical Error


“SORRY, force of habit. Ah yeah, you can see the mistake there now, just looking at the name,” confirmed the Irish Naturalisation and Immigration Service (INIS) upon realising a white, Irish-accented woman had ended up in Direct Provision.

A series of flubs and clerical errors exacerbated by staffing and resource shortages at the immigration service have somehow led popular Dublin native Agnes Brown to be confined to a Direct Provision Centre.

“Look, we just take the big cheques from the government for housing them, it’s asking a lot from us to check up on their wellbeing, see if they’re still alive etc,” confirmed private security staff operating the centre which received a handsome sum from the government to continue hiding a major problem from plain sight.

“With 34 centres dotted around the country, it’s hard to keep track of everyone when they all look the sa…no wait, have similar…no that’s not it. Look, her surname is Brown, it’s pretty obvious were we fucked up,” confirmed the operator of one of the 34 centres which sort-of houses, depending on your definition of the word, close to 5,500 asylum seekers.

It is not all doom and gloom for Mrs Brown however, if she is unable to confirm her Irish status, she can remain in the centre, living off €21.60 a week and even seek employment as long as the position has a starting salary of €30,000 and the job doesn’t come from over 60 different areas including construction, marketing, house keeping and healthcare.

“That’s nice,” confirmed Mrs Brown being led back to her room because the 10pm curfew was in effect.

“Wow, this is a lot of fuss over one person, you know we’ve over 5,000 of them in here” confirmed the INIS as the media presence grew outside its offices but they ensured us that if people are concerned about anyone in Direct Provision they can contact the Minister for Justice at [email protected].