Domestic Terrorism Not ‘Terrorism Terrorism’, Confirms US

“LOOK, we’re not really talking about 9/11 here,” said an aide to Donald Trump, following the revelation that homemade explosive devices had been sent to several key opponents to the president, by parties who seem to have been influenced by Trump’s rabble-rousing vitriol against his enemies.

Bombs were sent to the Clinton family, Robert DeNiro, Barack Obama, Maxine Waters and former CIA director John Brennan, in what is being described as an act of domestic terrorism by everyone except the Republican party.

Moves are being made by the GOP to find a suitable name for the wave of attempted attacks, while making arguments that if this is domestic terrorism, which it ‘almost certainly is not’, then it’s not really terrorism terrorism, like what you see in the Middle East or one of them places.

“This is more like… big mischief,” said a spokesperson for the White House, discussing the pipe bombs that were delivered to the homes of US citizens.

“And to be honest, really, were any of these bombs going to go off? Honestly? What are the chances? The people who these bombs were delivered to, do you really think they just open their own mail? No, what we have here is just like a prank, like some frat boy shit or something like that. And, let’s face it, the person who sent this was most likely white. So, case closed as far as we’re concerned”.

Meanwhile Trump has spent the morning practicing his ‘this is wrong’ speech, which he can almost get through without laughing.