Irish Language Act Will Turn All Children Gay, Confirm DUP

FRESH from locking herself into the Brussels office of the EU’s chief Brexit negotiator, Michel Barnier, DUP leader Arlene Foster has confirmed that the Irish Language Act, a sticking point for Unionist MLAs currently not in Stormont for the past 21 months, will turn all children gay.

Foster was barreling through her list of grievances as quickly possible while refusing to stop for breath as Barnier, tasked with caring more about the fortunes of Northern Irish citizens than the DUP do, was left with no choice but to continually hit the panic button under his desk.

“A sea border between the UK and Northern Ireland, that’ll gayify children too,” continued Foster, who maintained the one thing that would not turn children gay was dismantling the Good Friday Agreement and undoing 20 years of peace on the island of Ireland, “don’t think we don’t know what you’re trying to do with the ‘back stop’ I’ve heard such homosexual language in my life”.

Barnier was then forced reassure Foster that he would not make a hard border out of ‘gay cake’ and that in fact, he along with the 27 heads of EU states did not want a hard border, much to her displeasure.

“She hasn’t stopped since she came in. We wanted to talk specifics, but she specifically wants to talk about the horrors of providing the same rights people on mainland Britain enjoy to the people of Northern Ireland as well,” an aide to Barnier said while pressing the back up panic button hidden on a book shelf.

Shouted down every time they tried to suggest a solution that would genuinely work for the people of Northern Ireland, Barnier and his aide felt a tinge of sympathy for Theresa May for the first time in years.

“Spare a thought for Theresa, she has to deal with this shit every day,” Barnier whispered while nodding politely as Foster explained why road signs in Irish could create a direct portal to Hell.