New Poll Suggests Higgins Will Liquidise Bodies Of Rivals & Consume Them In A Soup


A SUNDAY BUSINESS Post/Red C poll has confirmed that President Michael D Higgins is likely to brutalise and liquidise the bodies of his rivals for the presidency before consuming them all in a soup.

In the face of challenges from Sean Gallagher, Joan Freeman, Gavin Duffy and Liadh Ní Riada, Higgins’s lead in the race is so big it is believed he will choose to vanquish his foes in a violent and bloody manner and turn them into a nutritional soup, saving the public the hassle of several weeks of irritating campaigning.

“How he plans to liquidise them is unclear, but this latest poll certainly suggests the public think he will pulverise his rivals in such a total and irreversibly violent way as to render their bodies into a viscous form,” a Red C pollster shared with WWN.

A smaller number of voters were of the opinion that the President would shoot red lasers from his eyes directly into the bodies of the other candidates, forcing them to explode.

Questions about Higgins remain among a concerned electorate, who are unsure if he will pair the soup, made from the bodies of upwards of 133 candidates, with a rhye bread, sourdough, a whole baguette or just classic brown bread.

“Does he place all his rivals through a meat processor? Then in a blender? That’s not for us or the public to say. That is something that will only become clear in the next few weeks of the campaign and the democratic process,” concluded the Red C pollster.