New Creche Scheme Will See Toddlers Work For Their Childcare


A GOVERNMENT scheme aimed at cutting the punishing costs of childcare will see toddlers and infants put to work at adorable little assembly lines, cutting their creche fees by up to 50% if they’re very good little boys and girls.

500 creches and Montessori schools around the country have participated in trial runs of the scheme, which has seen kids as young as six months perform simple tasks such as component sorting, chicken sexing, and small jewellery construction, easing their parents childcare bills to the point where it actually doesn’t seem like such a waste of time staying in work.

The scheme is set to roll out to all creches on a purely voluntary basis, with parents perfectly within their rights to keep their child out of the ‘chain babies’ programme if they don’t mind paying a second mortgage every month just for the privilege of leaving their heartbroken kids with a stranger for every waking hour of their lives.

“I mean, I’d rather he wasn’t threading beads onto necklaces for 7 hours a day while I stare at his picture on my desktop in a job that I hate but have to do it to keep food on the table, but if he was going to be playing at threading beads in creche anyways, it’s no harm to be making a few quid off it,” said one parent we spoke to, whose 2 year-old son makes up the 30 necklaces a day, easing his creche fee by 50%.

“And our older girl loves colouring in, so she doesn’t really mind that instead of colouring in a picture of a rocket ship, she’s colouring in the bumper of a Renault Clio with a spray gun. They still get breaks for yoghurt and naps and all that kind of thing, so it’s probably not all that different to how creche was, except we don’t cry as much when our wages come in at the end of the month and then instantly disappear”.

The government is hoping the scheme will prove popular enough to dissuade the country from demanding a sensible system that makes going back to work worthwhile to parents, for which ministers have no plan whatsoever.